The Flâneur

Miscellany > Health Matters! > Cranial Pressure

'Modern Scourges!' with Dr. Septimus 'Clodagh' Phut

Each week, the renowned physician guides us through the heady world of up-to-the-minute surgery with advice that can reduce the shame and self-loathing that often accompanies grievous bodily malfunctions. This week: cranial pressure.

Dear Dr. Phut,

I have been suffering from intense headaches for a while. These are usually brought on after prolonged study and are accompanied by blurred vision.

Dr. Phut advises:

Take heart, youngster! You probably need to see an optician straight away and I'm sure you'll find that spectacles will relieve your discomfort.

Don't be alarmed, however, if this might be more serious. A fatal brain disease will call for a simple procedure called trepanning the skull. This is a 'cure-all' system designed to alleviate headache, insanity and evil spirits. The modus operandi is remarkably straightforward: a hole is bored into the tip of the head - ask for Absinthe first, as partial anaesthesia allows you to enjoy this fascinating process and indeed feel involved in any important decision making whilst in situ. The hole allows for any cranial superfluities to make a sharp exit and, hokey-dokey, a deft swab of antiseptic and firm bandaging will ensure swift recovery and the reduction of secondary trauma.

The operation is virtually risk free and is one of the earliest forms of surgery dating back to Paleolithic times, some 10,000 years ago. Good Luck!


Next Week: Enemas

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