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Miscellany > Health Matters! > Enemas

‘Modern Scourges!’ with Dr. Septimus ‘Clodagh’ Phut

Each week, the renowned physician guides us through the heady world of up-to-the-minute surgery with advice that can reduce the shame and self-loathing that often accompanies grievous bodily malfunctions. This week: Enemas.

Dear Dr. Phut,

Please help! I'm having trouble with my "lower regions" and am in considerable discomfort. I haven't been able to "go" for three weeks.

Trevor, 39

Dr. Phut advises:

Gracious! A corn or callous file might do the trick and you'll be up and about in no time. Soak first in a bowl of hot water with Epsom salts to loosen up the hard bits and you'll find that gradual friction will ease away the offending tissue. Keep your slippers on in the house!

Dear Dr. Phut,

I'm constipated.

Trevor, 44

Dr. Phut cautions:

It may be instructive here to consider the variable effects of the PURGE, Trevor. It would seem to me that you have an imbalance of the humours, an excess of which would need to be relinquished, a deficiency requiring "topping up"; I fear the former in your case.

There is a bewildering array of treatments to evacuate a system but by far the most effective are the CLYSTER PIPES. Yes, I use the plural, Trevor, for it is indeed a multi-pronged rectal procedure requiring two assaults on the fundament: the EMOLLIENT and the VEHICLE. The former, of course, can be found anywhere from Egyptian honey to chip oil; the latter is a tapering funnel that may be attached to the back of a door [for self-insertion only]. A sixteenth century remedy suggests attaching a rope to a patient's feet and suspending him from a casement at full moon but I don't think we need go that far!

For those of a devout persuasion, holy water may be administered to ease flushing whilst simultaneously exorcising any succubae that may have crept into one's nether regions unawares, for the funnel creates a sizeable aperture. This method is known as "St. Antony's Fire". My wife, Felicia, swears by this technique as she, too, is a victim of this scourge, although she amusingly calls it "Fire Walk With Me" and I've noticed that she experiences it only after a night of excess. Mysterious, eh?

Good Luck!

Next Week: Dr. Septimus "Clodagh" Phut discusses contagious diseases with the eminent toxicologist Professor Wynkyn de Worde.