The Flâneur

Miscellany > Letters

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You are invited to write to the Flâneur using the following email address: (omit XXX)

Dear Sir,

I should very much like to get some of this flaneurism stuff. Is there some cafe you know of where I could perhaps indulge in some flaneury along with some fellow flaneurers?

Yours most sincerely,

Miss de Haviland

*Miss de Haviland frequents the Brighton (of Graham Greene fame) area.

My dear Miss de Haviland,

We at 'The Flaneur' do most sincerely hope that kindred spirits in the Brighton area rally to your standard, with all the haste that can be mustered without the derangement of carefully coiffured facial hair, exquisite attire or appropriate mien.

Brighton was in fact host to the December 2003 conference of La Société des Flâneurs Sans Frontières, a most memorable event in which the Tibetan delegates introduced us to the techniques of high altitude flanerie, before the authorities mistook the Himalayan hamster for a small but particularly ill favoured dog and banned the lot of us from the pier.

I remain, madam, utterly sozzled,
de Vouvray

Brighton, December 2003

Tibetan Delegation to
La Société des Flâneurs Sans Frontières
Brighton, December 2003

Dear Sir, Madam or Eunuch,

It pains me to have to write to express my great dissatisfaction with the paltry coverage your website has devoted to the Nordern-European branch of Flaneurie, better know as flanelling.

Being of Amsterdam extraction myself, I know this variant intimately and - for a hefty fee - I am more than willing to write a short summary of the movement's main characteristic.

Please let me know if you wish to proceed.
Till then I remain idly yours,

Drs Henry C.W. Pigeonroof DAFL

Dear Dr. Pigeonroof,

The omission so far of any reference in 'The Flaneur' to the gentle art of Nord-European 'flanelling' is indeed a sad reflection on the state of the world. How did we sink so low? Where will it all end? And when? And will I have time to finish my cocktail? We are most interested in your kind offer to furnish us with the history of this noble, mead-lubricated art, and would very much like to accept. However, the reference to a 'hefty fee' is, quite frankly sir, somewhat less enticing. Perhaps I can persuade you to consider a tidy sum instead?

de Vouvray

Dear de Vouvray,

How tidy?


Drs Henry C.W. Pigeonroof DAFL

Dear Sir,

I wonder if I may draw to your esteemed attention a new web-site 'The Flaneur' at . These fellows claim to represent some suspicious sounding organisation called 'La Societe des Flaneurs Sans Frontieres' (or somesuch).
Have you ever heard of them? Who on earth would come up with such a preposterous fairy tale? Are we dealing with madmen, foreigners, or, heaven forfend, not another crowd of renegade surrealists?!
What is the government going to do about them, that's what I want to know! I pay my taxes. I know my rights.
If no satisfactory action is taken forthwith, I fear I shall be forced to write a letter.

Yours truly,

Disgusted of Wyre Piddle


Whilst finding your site both amusing and informative, I am frankly appalled by your current feature ‘Dead Men’s Shoes On Transylvania Avenue’. Clearly this individual De Ath lacks any sense of historical perspective and worse still has absolutely no respect for our brave servicemen and women who sacrifice themselves to put bread on his table. It is obvious that De Ath is a thoroughly scurrilous Marxist supporting an utterly discredited political viewpoint and should be consigned to the dustbin of history along with those he supports. Having married into the German aristocracy, Marx proceeded to feed his good wife and children upon a diet of potatoes and water. The man never did a stroke of work in his life. It is high time that the people of this country appreciated what is being done in their name. Good God, were it not for our superior intelligence, we too would be living in some bloody mud hut in some Christ-forsaken desert! I sincerely hope that your organ provides no further opportunity for the expression of such seditious opinions.

Yours faithfully,

Lt-Col Sir William Shrapnel V.C. Rtd.

Dear Sir,

I would like to take strong exception to Shrapnel's slur on Dr De Ath, accusing him of being some kind of communist troublemaker. I have known De Ath for many years, even travelling through Mongolia and across the Gobi Desert with him, and I can personally vouch for him as a mere anarchist ne'er-do-well.
I hope this clarifies the matter.


Dear Sir/ Madam,

Perusing a literary journal recently, I came upon the following advertisement:



Yes, be up there with the greatest - Keats, Baudelaire, Kerouac, Noblock!!!!

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The complete guide to everything you need to know about:

1) how to be rejected by a petit-bourgeois literary establishment that wouldn’t recognise genius if it ran up their trouser leg.

2) how to get hopelessly addicted to opium/laudanum/absinthe/whatever.

3) how to die, lonely and misunderstood, starving and/or consumptive (delete where not applicable) in a garret.

With our UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE that you – yes, YOU!WILL be discovered and hailed as the greatest lost literary talent of the 21st century a mere one hundred years after your death.

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(* Refund applications subject to the following restrictions: applicant must have pegged out before 21, and must apply in person. Terms, conditions and get-out clauses apply).

I was wondering if the readers of ‘The Flâneur’ may advise me if I have spent my £650 wisely. My mum thinks I’m a twit.


Horatio ‘Spotty Twit’ Anorak (18 ¾)

Dear Sir,

I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms about the relentless litany of complaints and threatened cancellation of subscription published endlessly in this letters page. If anyone complains about this letter, I shall cancel my subscription forthwith.


Lt Col. VC Squatter (15th Lightly Poached Okapi, Nilgiri Division)

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